Life is short...

Man...there was an event that happened in the last week that has further made me understand how short life is.

Friday, September 26th, was Shawn Williams' (a classmate of mine) birthday. My birthday was monday. Today, he is dead. Sunday night, he was hit by a car, the driver speeding. The driver then fled the scene of the crime. Shawn was later pronounced brain dead, and life support was removed yesterday.

Wow.

I know I know...God works in mysterious ways, but man. This should tell everyone that they should live their lives to the fullest each day, because we never know when we will leave this earth.

...a long time comin...

yeah yeah yeah...I know I ain't been here a while and shit but I'm back. New school year...new beginnings, ridding my life of the old and unused...welcoming in the new and fresh. We'll see what happens...:)

...almost there

So....I'm really glad spring break is almost here. I can't wait!! I was supposed to go to Baltimore to visit Pops and all, but that ended up falling through so I'm trying to get up to Ohio so I can kick it with Me-O. Everything has been getting better for me lately, but I'm still really looking forward to getting out of dodge for a little while...maybe it's the weather. We've been having some good weather days...all in the seventies, nice and sunny. I'll be glad when it's permanent.

So last week I went out to the club on thursday night, got my drink on, got my two step on, had a blast with some great friends. It was needed in a bad way. Thanks Anyia, Vania, Cricket, Law, Marissa, and the rest of my LU fam. Ignore the fact that I look high lol.

For some reason lately I've been feeling pretty good about my appearance, gaining some confidence in my looks. Don't get me wrong y'all, I ain't never thought I was ugly, just don't always feel as attractive as I should. I mean I know I'm not the finest person in the world, but I'm not ugly. There are just times that I don't feel that confident in my looks and stuff like that.

Oh yeah!! I went to see LU's production of "Bye Bye Birdie" with Vania on friday, and it was actually pretty good!! That was my first time going to see a non-black musical, and I was kind of hesitant when Vania invited me, but I figured I don't have anything else to do, and I know I would have just been sittin' in the room on the net with y'all and the rest of the people who were being antisocial on friday night. Afterward we met up with a few other friends of ours and spent the night drinking, eating, laughing, and talking shit. LOL...also much needed. Thanks Vania, Rob, and C-Mo.

I've been getting a lot of feedback on my poem "Possibility"that I have posted on here, myspace (www.myspace.com/thalou), and facebook. It's not sexual people!! lol!!

The fam came out to campus today too, so my moms could bring me my iPod (which I just felt lost without) and so she could cut my hair. Moms is pretty wonderful.

I've recently done a re-evaluation of who I consider my friends, and I think that it has turned out for the better. I've repaired some broken relationships, cut off some finished ones, etc. I guess I kind of finally feel like all of the stress I was having is finally being lifted off of my shoulders. We'll see when this week comes!! I'm looking forward to the challenge...

Feel me?

So...someone said I should stop cussing...

....to hell with that...lol

Sometimes there's no better word than bullshit.

It has been a very frustrating day, week, etc. I'm beginning to think that I'm a control freak. not one of those OCD wash my hands 29834723797 times control freaks. Just one of those people that doesn't like when things don't go according to how I want them to. I've been trying to work on that, and be ok with just letting things happen, but it's just not working, and I'm getting to a point where I'm just about ready to say eff it and keep it movin'.

I was on a message board that I frequent, http://www.dbyonline.net/forum/register.php?referrerid=1257, and a question came to me, which I posted. The question was, "Do you follow your own advice?" I sat back and thought about it, and tried to understand why people tend not to in some situations, and whether or not I do. I guess this is where the phrase, "Easier said than done" comes from. I guess the main advice I've given that I'm not following right now is that people aren't going to change unless they want to. I'm tired of being placed in the position to be the catalyst for change, and the person doesn't accept it. The frustrating part is that I know people don't change unless they have the want to. I guess that's what's frustrating is that I know it yet I keep ending up in those positions. Who knows, maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. Yeah I'm tired of being that too.

I'm just tired period y'all. I'm tired of stretching myself thin for people who wouldn't give a damn if I needed a nickel, or a hug for that matter. I'm tired of people asking for my help, then not accepting it when I go to give it. I'm tired of unappreciative women ... hell, people period.

Then I keep hurting people around me unintentionally. I was basically told today that I was selfish. I really don't try to be, it's just who I am I guess. I think it stems from the fact that I'm always there for so many other people, and always sacrificing my wants for others, and I get tired of doing that, but when I stop doing it I feel bad. That's when I start being called things like selfish, etc. Where is the happy medium? Is there one?

I'll be glad when spring break comes. I'm going back to Baltimore for a lil while. I need the vacation ... some time away from here, where I can sit back, relax, visit some old friends, and not have to worry about anything.

I'm just pretty frustrated with a lot of shit right now.

Feel me?

Possibility and shit...

See…
I want inside of you
Not how man and woman be,
but in the section of your
heart…
that says…
“Possibility”
I want to pick you up
And…
wrap your thoughts around my action…
kiss your mind with the catalyst
That provides satisfaction
Cuz see…
My mental is packin’.
I want to unsnap your hesitance…
and…
Pull down your inhibitions
undressing your protection
and letting my thirdeye explore…
the front…of your mind
Occasionally peeking behind…
when you aren’t looking of course.
I want to touch you all over…
with every letter of the alphabet
trying different positions until I
find what feels right…
A leg shaking…letter spasm
heart-pounding…
Word orgasm.
…pushing my love in…
watching your love pour out.
Afterward, holding your heart…
tight through the night…
and praying your worries and
inhibitions don’t rise again with
the sun.
See…
I dig you.
I want to make loving you
my life…
and live you.
Play in your mind like kids do…
And at night slide in
and out…of your mind…
Like skids do
But it starts with you.
You have to let me inside you…
vibe you…
Not how man and woman be…
but in the section of
your heart…
that says
“Possibility”

so....thougth I would start this blog off with something I just wrote. I'm thinking/hoping that I'm moving past this writing block that I've had for a while. It's been a pretty good week, and I'm glad to be home. Not really too much to say tonight...just trying to keep in mind how blessed I am to be where I am, and who I am...and trying to see me how God sees me, which is as his crown jewel.

Feel me?

So yeah I know it's been a min. and shit...

So yeah, I know I haven't been writing like I should (T), but here I am.

So, like, it's been a long last week, and I've been pretty busy, doing something every night. How about those Giants!!

So...I feel like I'm at a really pivotal part of my life. I feel like I'm coming into my own, and I'm getting tired of the bullshit, and a lot of people can't handle that. I've lost a couple friends over the last couple weeks, however I've met some extremely cool people. I'm also learning and remembering what a joy it is to be single, not having to worry about pleasing others besides myself. It's funny that some people can't handle that.

Some of the new friends that I've made, I feel that they are truly genuine.

At the same time, I have felt so stretched thin lately it's crazy. I've done something every day of this past week, and am actually hanging with them now. It's been a little stressful being stretched so thin, but in a lot of ways was worth it. Nothing is better than building lasting relationships.

I think what I'd really like to do in the coming weeks is really just simplify parts of my life. The people that don't need to be here...stop keeping them here....and the people that need to be here, do what I need to do to make sure they stick around. Maybe doing that will keep me from being so busy....stressed. I feel like I'm falling back into my ways of wanting to please everyone, and I hate being that. There's a song out right now that says, "You just do you...I'ma do me....I'ma do me...." While the lyrics are probably lacking, it's a real message. Not trying to worry about other folks for real right now, because it's about me, and me only.

...and yeah that may sound selfish, arrogant, vain, etc....but it is what it is.

Feel me?

and even more shit....

so...I don't really know where to begin. My grandfather had surgery this weekend, praying everything went wel..

This St. Louis weather is really pissin' me off. I could have sworn monday it was in the seventies....now there's 8 inches on snow on the ground, which is currently melting because the temperature is on it's way back up to the sixties by monday. Go figure...

So...like....why do people always feel like they can fault you when you don't live up to their assumptions? No, I didn't say expectations, I said assumptions. How you gon be upset with me because I didn't do what you THOUGHT or ASSUMED I was gon do? Maybe I'm missing something, but why is it my fault? Try this....STOP ASSUMIN' SHIT!!

So I feel like I'm in this transition period. It's funny because a lot lately I have felt like I'm not doing the right thing by some people. It seems like I have some people in my life that I keep hurting, but I'm not necessarily doing something wrong, at least in their eyes. I'm being pulled in several different directions, trying to make time for the people and things that are priorities as well as the things that I feel are important to me, but that is so not easy, and someone or something always ends up getting slighted, and me faulted for it. Doesn't feel good to be kind of faulted for some things that seem like they are beyond your control, or that you are trying to control. Kind of sucks actually.

So, I think I have finally figured out what my "pledge" is for 2008. I want to be happy. Happy with what I have, what I don't have, and what I'm working towards. I'm going to be making a concerted effort to change the things I'm unhappy with instead of just sitting there and becoming content with being unhappy.

I also want to grow closer to God. I mean I pray and go to church, etc. But I can do so much more when it comes to the area of trusting God. Letting go and letting God. I always try and fix everything myself, and of course that usually just makes the problem bigger.

This past week has been a really busy week, but it was a good one. I'm really enjoying my classes this semester, and I'm glad. It's a change from last semester, as they are actually classes that I wanted to take. I am really looking forward to what this semeser, as well as this year, brings, and only hope and pray that I have time for all that becomes a possibility.

*sigh*

such is life.....feel me?

...and other random shit...

So...

I'm sitting here watching the State of the Union address, and this man don't look like he believe nothin' he sayin'. I don't think people realize what kind of cusp this country is on with the upcoming presidential election. In my heart I truly believe that Obama will be our next president. I don't think that the U.S. is very excited about the possibility of another republican being in office so soon, even though our current president is a special species. People, do u realize we are facing the very real possibility of having our first black president?

How amazing is that? Are you excited? I know I am...

On more personal matters...
So I finally got all of my school books. I'm actually pretty excited about this semester...no classes on fridays WOOHOO!! Had a wonderful weekend, glad it went well. For some reason lately I have been so extra tired. I mean like eyes burning extra tired, which is unusual. A good friend of mine got saved this weekend, so that is truly a blessing. I pray that this gives some more purpose to her life in her eyes, and brings her peace of mind and heart, and a settled spirit.

Repaired things with my best friend a couple weeks ago. Big misunderstanding, but I missed my big brother. We need to hang out soon...haven't since like November. I'm glad everything is going straight with his girl...

So, I'm learning to like Lindenwood more and more. I have already made a lot of friends this semester alone that I didn't have last semester, and getting really involved in some things. Hopefully that'll give me something to do with all of the idle time I usually have on my hands.

Oh well...nothing else to really write about...

Till next time.

(Feel me?)

I Am (a) Legendlet's see if this works...