A Family Affair...

So...this past weekend was the Lima Pipeline Reunion in my parent's hometown, Lima, OH. Basically it was like a high school reunion for everybody who graduated from Lima Senior High School. Three of my uncles were in town, my dad, and a lot of my parent's friends. This was an opportunity for Jeri to meet more of my family.

You would have thought Jeri had been around my family forever. She fit right in and it was a beautiful thing to see.





The funniest thing was that her and my dad were like two peas in a pod...it was really a joy to see. The whole weekend I caught them several times just sitting and talking to each other, laughing, dancing, etc. It always feels good to see my family enjoying Jeri's presence just as much as she enjoys theirs.




I try to involve Jeri in my family affairs and things like that because I want her to experience things that she doesn't experience in her own family. I'm not saying her family doesn't love each other, have fun together, etc., but I know there are certain experiences that she hasn't had that being around my family can provide. I feel like there are so many experiences that we can share over our relationship...and I can't wait to get there...:)




Video of the post.....Family Affair - Sly and the Family Stone

It's not that I don't believe in God...

I guess I just wonder if he's there sometimes.

Maybe it's because I'm from Missouri, the "Show Me" state. See, I've never had that "conversion experience." It's like there's this wall of skepticism up between me and God, and I don't know what to do to get over it. It's crazy because I am so NOT a skeptical person. I mean, have things been hard for me before? Sure!! I guess maybe it's that everything has always ended up alright in the end for me. When things don't, I look at it like everything can't always go good for me. I think that a big part of me floats between the explanations being God's favor & blessings, and the natural balance of how life goes...sometimes things happen for you, other times they don't.

I know this probably sounds bad, and most of you will probably take it the wrong way, but in a lot of ways, although I truly do believe in God, he is not real to me. Maybe real is too strong of a word. Tangible...yeah...it's just not tangible to me. So many other people have had that defining moment, where God becomes real to them; that "conversion experience" I was talking about. I just haven't had it. In church Sunday, Pastor Ron was somewhat discussing this topic, and about how for most people, finding Jesus isn't a "defining moment." Some people realize that they've found God when looking at their lives in hindsight. Maybe that's what's supposed to happen to me.

I guess what would bottle the whole thing up for me is that while I believe God is real, I wonder sometimes what makes him real TO ME. I always hear people testifying about how "He woke me up this morning and started me on my way," etc., but for me, that's not enough. My eyes opening this morning isn't enough for me to feel the realness of God. Could I be taking things for granted? Of course...and I'm sure a big part of me is, but that just doesn't move me.

I'm trying to figure this all out, and it's a journey for me. It's especially hard for me because in a lot of ways I feel inadequate, and I hate that. I used to not really understand this song by John Legend - "Show Me". I mean I got the general gist of the song, but a part of me didn't understand the feeling behind it. After a conversation tonight, I more than understand. It's crazy because it's almost all that I could think about. Like I said, maybe it's because I'm from Missouri. Is what's written in this blog a reflection of that?

If so, I wish I weren't.

Untitled....

A few years back, a neighborhood gangsta asked me...
"What motivates me to awaken everyday? What helps you keep the bad in this place away?"
I told him that I do heart surgery...he said, "What?"
I told him that I open my chest/book and let my heart fall on the paper.
I let the pen be the blood vein robbing my body of the bad blood and placing it on the sheet
in the form of.....
.....iambic pentameter/a heart beat.
My HEART then BEATS to HELP my WORDS flow FORTH
the BLOOD on the PAGE then HELPS someONE give BIRTH.....
.....to a newborn poem.
I told him to let the notebook lines be the suture for the stitches in your heart,
for without them your heart would fall apart.
He then asked, "What am I supposed to write about, when all I see around is my niggaz gettin gunned down? What do I say about the gov't that doesn't want me to succeed? How do I make the future better for my seed?"
I told him...
Don't worry what to write about,
when your heart starts to beat, the words will flow out.
Just make sure you come to surgery with the right tools in hand...
the pen...
the paper...
in the end you'll understand.
And what of the world that wants to hold you back you may ask...
Tell them you want to live...
tell them you want to love...
tell them you want to read a book, you want equal education, a college degree,
tell them you want to end modern day slavery...
tell them you want to march, repent of your sins and be born again...
....raise a respectable child...
you want to educate and be educated.
Tell them you want to take the gun's out of your niggas' palms so....
their high blood pressure can calm...
tell them you want to live...
tell them you want to love...
and tell whoever wants to still hold you back, that you can't hold back a beating heart...
with a strong pulse...
and that in order to stop you, they'd have to kill you first.
Oh, and the seeds you plant and want to grow?
Write a poem saying your seeds need water to sproud, so they need a gardener...
Tell the dead-beat dads they should stick around, instead of leaving their seeds
to grow with weeds...
....like a fading heartbeat, dead beats end up beat dead.
Once you've filled this paper with the blood from your heart...
close your chest/notebook and ball it up.
Throw the paper holding your heart in the trash because your next poem will outlive and be better than the last....
...and if there is something in your lifespan someone wants to retort,
tell them to go back and read your autopsy report.
Then ask them, "Do you still want to be like me?"
So this gangsta handed me his gun.
He then said..."I want to live."
He asked me what I thought and I told him...
...it was the best poem I've ever heard.

Call and response...

all of the top of the dome...


What she wrote...

as my thoughts crowd themselves and overflow, my heart cries with the ache of your missed presence...my mind can't wrap around the length of time stretched before us, as we wait, hardly able to see the silver lining on this rain cloud, the drops I feel are not welcome, my sunshine has gone away...there is none when you're not here...it's always too long...you're missed...

what I wrote...

listening to your heart cry drives me insane...dealing with the pain that is ...distance. Not distance between hearts...but distance between physical. Wanting your presence near...almost a fear of not basking in your shadow. Laying at night on half empty pillows, with a half empty heart. ..your lack of presence making me...incomplete...

Blazing a career path...I think?

Guess who's bizack...

Still on the grind...student year almost over...one more year until graduation.

Blah @ that.

I'm still confused about my career path. I mean, yeah my major is journalism, but do I really like to write that much that I want to work for a newspaper? Not really. Well...maybe. Only if I was a columnist. Some call me spoiled...I call me picky. Ultimately, I'd love to be working in PR, whether it be owning my own company, or helping someone run theirs. I could work for a magazine too, online or print.

I was recently presented with an opportunity to write for a beta blog about all things media from a "brown" POV, so I'm excited about what that could do for my writing, in terms of improving it, as well as getting some of it out there, and some more experience. Keep a look out for that...I'll let you know when it drops. (Jeri, I know you will probably get mad at me for not mentioning it, SORRY!!).

It's funny because for so long I would never let anyone know that I was unsure of what I want in my future. I'd lie and say I wanted to do one thing, knowing damn well, I didn't want that, and wondering to myself if I wanted anything for me. Now I'm not afraid to admit that I am not entirely sure what it is I want in terms of my employment future. I guess it's because before I felt abnormal, like I was the only one. Over the last couple months I've come to find out that that couldn't be further from the truth.

Lately, both me and Jeri have been trying to figure our lives out, and what makes that fun is being able to do that together. Knowing somebody has your back, your hand, and anything else you need for support. Y'all have no idea how much this helps. Thanks babes.

Anyway, keep a look out for ya boy! Whether it be Reginald Cunningham, or Reggie Noble....I'm on my way up! Ain't I got it goin on?

Free flow...

So I'm sitting on twitter (which I am now totally addicted to), and I received some advice from a friend. I mentioned to her that I was bored as hell, and she said whenever I'm bored, I should write...so here we go. Keep in mind, there is no format to this...just my free flowing thoughts...

So...

What's really hood with the Rams? I can't wait for the draft, then the new football season. I'm really hoping that they draft Aaron Curry. Really sad they released Orlando Pace and Torry Holt...but such is the business in the NFL.

Been watching movies all afternoon. The Last Boyscout just came on...haven't seen that in forever. We'll see if it holds my attention.

I'm wondering if I'm abnormal...this is for a few reasons. First off...I don't take anything seriously. I guess I just don't like worrying myself. I don't know. Second...I don't let my past situations effect similar ones in the future. That is to say, if I had a bad situation with a female, and I move on to another, and the same situation arises...I don't place the burdens of the past female on the present. I don't know why it's easy for me not to...it just is. It's so easy for me to let things go...and I don't know if that's normal. Is it?

This pepperoni stick is delicious.

Looking forward to spring break...need a break from school....hell I need to graduate while we talkin' lol.

Working on getting this internship in Columbus, OH with Favor Magazine (www.favor-mag.com). Talked to the CEO, Pamela Lowery, today...supposed to send her some writing samples...resume'. We'll see how that turns out...

OK...back to your regularly scheduled program.

Point/Counter-point

Why is it so hard for people to see the opposite side of an equation? You and your boyfriend/girlfriend have a disagreement, and because you refuse to see the other side...or acknowledge what they are saying, you get absolutely no where.

Don't get me wrong...I by no means am perfect, and am definitely guilty of this.

Why not acknowledge the other side though? Does that not make your argument stronger? I've always learned that acknowledging the opposing view point is vital in formulating a strong counter-argument.

But is this productive in a relationship?

Maybe....maybe not. Who knows...