I guess I just wonder if he's there sometimes.
Maybe it's because I'm from Missouri, the "Show Me" state. See, I've never had that "conversion experience." It's like there's this wall of skepticism up between me and God, and I don't know what to do to get over it. It's crazy because I am so NOT a skeptical person. I mean, have things been hard for me before? Sure!! I guess maybe it's that everything has always ended up alright in the end for me. When things don't, I look at it like everything can't always go good for me. I think that a big part of me floats between the explanations being God's favor & blessings, and the natural balance of how life goes...sometimes things happen for you, other times they don't.
I know this probably sounds bad, and most of you will probably take it the wrong way, but in a lot of ways, although I truly do believe in God, he is not real to me. Maybe real is too strong of a word. Tangible...yeah...it's just not tangible to me. So many other people have had that defining moment, where God becomes real to them; that "conversion experience" I was talking about. I just haven't had it. In church Sunday, Pastor Ron was somewhat discussing this topic, and about how for most people, finding Jesus isn't a "defining moment." Some people realize that they've found God when looking at their lives in hindsight. Maybe that's what's supposed to happen to me.
I guess what would bottle the whole thing up for me is that while I believe God is real, I wonder sometimes what makes him real TO ME. I always hear people testifying about how "He woke me up this morning and started me on my way," etc., but for me, that's not enough. My eyes opening this morning isn't enough for me to feel the realness of God. Could I be taking things for granted? Of course...and I'm sure a big part of me is, but that just doesn't move me.
I'm trying to figure this all out, and it's a journey for me. It's especially hard for me because in a lot of ways I feel inadequate, and I hate that. I used to not really understand this song by John Legend - "Show Me". I mean I got the general gist of the song, but a part of me didn't understand the feeling behind it. After a conversation tonight, I more than understand. It's crazy because it's almost all that I could think about. Like I said, maybe it's because I'm from Missouri. Is what's written in this blog a reflection of that?
If so, I wish I weren't.